I Was a School Bully and I'm Sorry
Posted: Thursday, April 02, 2009
by Ryan Stroud
Recently, I began reading the self-help book Please Stop Laughing at Me, by Jodee Blanco. It's technically a biography about her life growing up and her struggles with bullying.
For me, I share some of her pain of being bullied, but at the same time, I was just like many of the children in her book, making fun of others and torturing people I found different or was jealous of.
David was a good kid, nay, GREAT kid! He was smart, funny, talented in basketball and a winner with the ladies. It was all these things that first brought our friendship together. We would listen to music by Green Day and stay at his house overnight to watch scary movies like Puppet Master and Nightmare on Elm Street.
Unfortunetly for David, it was these traits which eventually lost me as a friend. It was not his fault at all, it was all mine. We had a girl in our class, Amanda. She was amazing, beautiful and well liked by everyone. I rode the bus to school everyday with her and had the biggest crush on the little flower-power girl.
But while I had a thing for Amanda, she had a thing for David.
My first lesson in love came when both David and Amanda broke the news to me that hey were boyfriend and girlfriend. I was hurt so bad. How could my friend do this to me?
The fact was I never told David I liked Amanda so it really wasn't his fault and if I would have listened and looked closer, I would have noticed that Amanda always liked David over me. But I was young and foolish.
The two of them together eventually brought the end of mine and David's friendship, and thus brought on the torture. I was hurt and wanted David to feel my pain. I approached him one day in the boy's bathroom, ready to bring the pain. We had a substitute teacher that day, so things around our class were a little lax. I figured this was the perfect time to start something with my former best friend. With a sub, there was no way I would get into trouble.
In the bathroom, I started to push David and yell at him. "You think you're better than me? You think you know me, you don't know anything!"
"I don't think I'm better than you, Ryan. Stop pushing me, it hurts."
I push David really hard one last time and just as I did, our substitute teacher walked right behind him, David's head slamming right into the unsuspecting man's face, breaking his nose.
Blood rushed everywhere, spilling onto his shirt. David, panicked, ran out of the bathroom, I stood there in shock. I pleaded with the sub, telling him I was so sorry for what happened. But I knew, deep down, my bullying got me in deep trouble.
Things changed after that day. I got into so much trouble with the school, with my family, with David's family and with the sub. There were rumors flying around that I was going to be arrested for assaulting the sub. I was scared. I realized right then my bullying got me no pleasure, just deeper pain for the torment and trouble I had caused.
I became paranoid about getting in trouble and did a complete 180. I started performing better in school, getting higher marks. All my friends abandoned me, not wanting to be labeled a troublemaker. I don't blame them at all. My school life eventually became much better and more enjoyable once I stopped bullying. I ended up having many friends and leaving high school happy.
Years passed and David and I eventually spoke again about the incident. He was really cool about it, saying it was no big deal. Me, I still hold guilt and remorse for my actions. They still haunt me. My anger has placed me in so much trouble throughout the years; it's something I still work with to this very day.
I can never truly express how completely sorry I was and still am for my actions, I just hope I didn't hurt David in the long run. I haven't seen him since high school, but, knowing him, he is excelling somewhere out in the real world. He always was a great guy.
The book Please Stop Laughing at Me has completely opened the doors of my life again, in a good way. The pain of my past has refreshed me into trying to be a better person and not stepping back into that former light ever again.
I highly recommend everyone read this book. You will be happy you did.
Ryan Stroud
SearchWarp.com
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Ryan Stroud is a military trained journalist who has served in Iraq with the 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 1st Cavalry Division, US Army. Prior to his military experiences, Stroud grew up playing, coaching, and refereeing soccer. Also, Stroud focused many years of his life playing, touring, and recording/producing local music acts. He has a wonderful wife of 4 years, a 2 year old son and a newborn daughter.
Stroud's biggest writing influences are Jim Butcher, Chuck Palahniuk, Edward Lee, Jack Ketchum, Christopher Moore and Ben Fox.
He currently resides in Huntsville, Al, with the 59th Ordnance Brigade at Redstone Arsenal.
Stroud would also like to take a moment to thank his friends who are currently in battle over in Iraq. God bless all of you.
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Top-level comments on this article: (10 total)Hi Ryan. Thanks for sharing this story. I have to say you took me back to a time when I wasn't so nice myself. I am thankful for God's forgiveness and if I ever see any of those gals and guys again I would apologize in a heart beat. Kids can be mean. The important thing is that we grow out of it. I am glad this book helped you. Blessings to you! Teresa
It seems unlikely that an isolated incident makes you a bully.
It takes guts to expose one's ugly side, even though we all have one. This kind of article, sincere and self-effacing, is a big challenge. Too, too many articles collapse under the hollowness of the writer's pretentious self-righteousness. Here's something I've learned in the past six months: the ability to forgive oneself. That's right, God loves you, and no man or woman can decide who is worthy of being given a second chance at life.Do you suppose bullies are under greater, hidden pressures invisible to their victims? Big fish eat little fish.
Wow Ryan. I really appreciate you sharing this story. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to expose yourself as you did and I believe that you've touched a lot of hearts by doing it. If you haven't already, I'd like to encourage you to take your guilt and pain to Jesus Christ, because only He can relieve you of this burden. When Jesus died on the cross, He took the punishment for this very deed in your place and now He is readly, willing and able to greet you with open arms with the words I forgive you!
I thank everyone who has read this article. It really means a lot.Just to answer some comments: I have found Jesus and He is in my life. I know He has forgiven me for what I did then, but I personally cannot forget it. It still shapes me today.Also, I feel most of the time bullies are bullies because of peer presure. I believe they act in a crowd more often than not. It is survival to the bully to make fun and bring harm. It stinks and it needs to change.Also, this was just one example of the pain I caused as a child. I did many other things to show I was a bully. I'm not proud of it, not at all.Thanks again to all who have read this.
Dear Ryan, you told your story in such a way that what happened, why, how you felt about things, and how you resolved them are clearly written. I found your story to be very real and moving. I think that sometimes God does let us remember specific sins due to our need not to fall back into whatever feelings or character within ourselves prompted them. I'm not sure if that is theologically sound, for we know that when we repent by faith in Christ He not only forgives but has said that He remembers our sins no more! I am glad you have put your life into God's hands. You became determined to change, at a young age, and isn't that part of God's grace towards us too? Excuses or refusals harden our hearts more and more...and you did not let that happen. Praise God!
Ryan, it takes a strong person to admit the things they have done wrong and that they have an inner anger that needs to be controlled. I was one of the (nerdy) kids who got bullied while I was growing up and can very well relate to how hurtful children can be.I sometimes have lost my temper with my grandchildren and feel so guilty that I always take my guilt to the Lord in prayer. In doing this, it has helped me to control my anger before it comes out to hurt someone. You sound like a good man. Don't let your temper take that from you.Best wishes and good luck.Sandra
Thanks for sharing your story with us Ryan! I think many people will benefit from reading the book as well.
Great article. Well done.Sounds like a good book.Thanks for reading!
i also had a turning point like this, i had a friend who i thought went on my msn and then we had a big fight and i sent her an email which i didnt meen to be mean but it was to her and i got in lots of touble, and since then i had been paranoid also and i have been a much much nicer person and my friends alctually admire me for being the one that doesnt say mean things, im still in high school but i dont think the memory will ever leave,thanks for listening :)
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