Top Military Jokes!
Posted: Thursday, September 11, 2008
by Ryan Stroud
These are some great military jokes that I hope you all enjoy!
Disclaimer: Some jokes might not be appropriate for some eyes.
A Boy Scout Troop spends the day with the Army. The local radio station comes to cover the story:
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they ever touch a firearm."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
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Two privates (who were roommates) were always getting into trouble. One day, while being marched up and down the drill field by their first sergeant as punishment for yet another infraction, the three came upon a latern. One of the privates pick up the lantern and rubs it. A Genie pops out.
"I will give you each one wish; that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The first private says, "I want to be back in my warm dry barracks room, surrounded by beautiful women with all the pizza and beer I can handle. *POOF* the first private disappears.
The second private says, "Good idea!" I want to be there also." Looking at the First Sergeant, the private adds, "and surround our room with a large wall, so we can't be bothered by sergeants!"
*POOF* the second private disappears.
The First Sergeant says, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The First Sergeant says, "Fill it up with water."
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The colonel had distinguished himself in combat, but unfortunately he was wounded -- both of his ears were blown off. As a decorated hero, however, the Army allowed him to remain on active duty.
One day, the colonel was part in charge of a selection board to determine whether or not potential E-7s would become First Sergeants.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, the colonel asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the soldier answered, "Why yes sir, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."
The colonel got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a female, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, sir, you have no ears."
The colonel again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a sharp soldier with an immaculate uniform. He was smart. He was rugged and no-nonsense and he seemed to be a better soldier than the first two put together. The colonel was anxious, but went ahead and asked the soldier the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the soldier answered: "Yes sir. You wear contact lenses." The colonel was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no friggin ears!"
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F our strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
A s these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
I n the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, " Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
T he young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, " Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
T he Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
T he private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, " What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"
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It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening Marine, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"
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The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:
"Dear Mary,
I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!"
Ryan Stroud is a military trained journalist who has served in Iraq with the 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 1st Cavalry Division, US Army. Prior to his military experiences, Stroud grew up playing, coaching, and refereeing soccer. Also, Stroud focused many years of his life playing, touring, and recording/producing local music acts. He has a wonderful wife of 4 years, a 2 year old son and a newborn daughter.
Stroud's biggest writing influences are Jim Butcher, Chuck Palahniuk, Edward Lee, Jack Ketchum, Christopher Moore and Ben Fox.
He currently resides in Huntsville, Al, with the 59th Ordnance Brigade at Redstone Arsenal.
Stroud would also like to take a moment to thank his friends who are currently in battle over in Iraq. God bless all of you.
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